Hi. I’m Sebastian Testerfrogmosin. I have the world’s smallest top hat. Please don’t look at it. You just looked at it, didn’t you? That’s okay. All you have to do is say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers and 1 Act of Contrition. Then send 3 million dollars in unmarked bills to my address in Dearborn, MI (google my name for the listing). Once I receive the money I will send you an official certificate that authenticates my absolving you of your wrongdoing. Please don’t tell anyone about this. And please don’t take another gander at my top hat. Otherwise it will cost you another 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers, 1 Act of Contrition and 3 million dollars in unmarked bills mailed to my address in Dearborn, MI (google my name for the listing). You don’t want that to happen, do you?

Sincerely,

Sebastian Testerfrogmosin

p.s. I have a staple in my forehead. You can look at that.