And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

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Liam Meets A Desperate Woman

She sat on the cooler and drank cold beers in front of him. She had him sitting against a tree, his hands tied behind his back. A pit bull snarled within mauling distance. A gun, 9 mm, sat at her feet. This is what she hit him with, knocking him out so she could bring him…

The Anniversary Gift

Two men in paper hats clink mugs together before downing their milkshakes. “Today was some day, huh?” “You got that right.” “Still like working here, Nick?” “What’s not to like. I’m surrounded by food and nice people. You?” “I don’t know, Nick. I’ve been here 17 years. Do you realize I have never taken a…

The Librarian

“Don’t you ever check out any books beside books on baseball?” “Try saying that three times fast while holding your tongue.” “Excuse me?” “You said something sarcastic to me, so I thought I’d return the favor.” “But you’re like 8 years old.” “And you’re like 88 years old. Let me check out the kinds of…

Purple Crayons

I loved purple crayons when I was a kid. Loved every shade of them. Loved the way they smelled, even though all crayons smell the same. My brother and I colored pictures in the living room. He made sure to use all of the crayons evenly so one wouldn’t wear out more than the others.…

How Seamus Turned His Life Around

Seamus was 31 years old when he stole his first Big Boy statue. Drove it 180 miles south and dumped it in a river. It was big and heavy but no match for his pickup. He chained it down nice and good and took off around 3 in the morning. If anyone had seen him,…

1985

Before gentrification, two rival gangs divided South Newburg. They were the Shirts and the Skins. The Shirts shopped at Banana Republic. The Skins did not. The Shirts consumed large quantities of Orange Julius. The Skins did not. And the Shirts used rocket-propelled grenades while the Skins threw rocks. The Skins were losing until Rambo showed…

Peas

Whenever I eat School Days early variety peas, my mind wanders back to when I played football at Bard Military Academy. Pushups in the rain.  Coach above me grinding his boot into my back.  My face plunging headfirst into a puddle. I cannot feel my toes. Fans trickling in with umbrellas. Mother and Stepfather (Stepfather…

My Summer of ’77

Writing and rewriting a paragraph, then reading it back until you feel like you are seeing the plush green grass at Municipal Stadium for the first time is the feeling I want to experience every day for the rest of my life. Of course nothing feels like seeing green grass on a baseball field for…

How To Win Friends And Influence People With Donuts and $2 Bills

Although his ended tragically, Ernest Hemingway led an interesting life. Writer, outdoorsman, celebrity. He was also a salesman because he knew how to be persuasive in 6 words or less — “For sale: baby shoes never worn.” He was unconventional (he typed standing up), but he was quite good at satisfying customers with his brevity…

The Pitch

EFG Window Washing, LLC. Cleveland, Ohio. A clear summer day overlooking Lake Erie. Do you like books? One of the things I like about books is their ability to tell stories that make people want to read them over and over again. I studied history in college because history majors are required to read a…

Philomena The Fortune Teller

I remember a fortune teller on Pulaski Street named Philomena who pulled in some pretty good business. Her clients were from the neighborhood: teachers, construction workers, stay-at-home moms, never-at-home dads — even Mayor Farley went there during the riots. Philomena was an interesting fortune teller and genuinely nicer than the ones you see on TV.…