The “World’s Most Famous Rabbits List” is out and some rabbits aren’t happy about it.
The Easter Bunny: Unbelievable. I’m currently ranked 5th on the World’s Most Famous Rabbits poll. On Easter, for crying out loud! Let’s see who’s in front of me. 1. Bugs Bunny? 2. Br’er Rabbit? Hey, Br’er, what’s with the apostrophe? 3. Peter Rabbit? 4. WTH, the Velveteen Rabbit? These rabbits are suspect. If you ask me, I’d put myself in front of them and them in front of a moving bus. Thanks for ruining my Easter, buttheads!
Eddie Rabbit: I’m not even on the list and I’ve been dead for 20 years. I was only 56. Lung cancer. I was in Nashville at the time even though I was born in Brooklyn, New York. People moved and I was one of them. I remember when it rained after the sun went down and how everyone stayed inside. Not me. I love a rainy night. Look on my Wikipedia page and you’ll see me with my guitar. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Easter Bunny. You brought me colored eggs and jelly beans. That’s pretty cool. All I ever did was make hits like “Kentucky Rain” and “Every Which Way but Loose.” And hang out with stars like Elvis Presley and Juice Newton. You keep doing what you do. People will come around.
Bugs Bunny: ‘Eh, what’s up, Doc? #1 here. On July 27th, 1940 I crawled out of a hole, annoyed other cartoon characters and ate my first carrot. I haven’t stopped since. And for this they gave me a #1 ranking. Hey, Easter Bunny. What part of crawling out of a hole, annoying other cartoon characters and eating carrots don’t you get?
Br’er Rabbit: I’ve sat by patiently waiting for Bugs and that dead country singer to finish. Now I’m going to have my say. First of all, how would you like to be called #2? Well, I don’t like it. I’d trade places with the Easter Bunny any day of the week. He should be called #2, not me! By the way, smarty pants, Br’er Rabbit is short for Brother Rabbit.
Peter Rabbit: I’m just glad they named me, not Peter Cottontail, #3. Wait, that’s me? Nah, you’re confusing me with another Peter. Oh, hell, I don’t even know who I am anymore!
Velveteen Rabbit: Don’t feel bad. I never heard of me before this list either. But 4th place is pretty good for someone who didn’t know he exists. Turns out I’m a stuffed rabbit who discovers that toys become real when they’re loved by their owners. Sort of like Toy Story without all the Disney crap. Thanks, relatively obscure World’s Famous Rabbit List, for ranking me 4th. Maybe I’ll go to Disneyland.
Harvey: I worked with Jimmy Stewart. And for this you give me 6th? That’s like getting your face stepped on over and over again by a really fat horse wearing track spikes. Then you have the audacity to pour turpentine down my throat by placing me right below the Easter Bunny. Here, take my pride. I won’t be needing it anymore.
Trix Rabbit: Silly rabbit, huh? Trix are for kids, huh? Of all the rabbits throughout rabbit history, they picked me for 7th. Silly, Trix copywriters, for treating me like crap all those years.
Roger Rabbit: Even though I’m number 8, I’ll always have Kim Basinger. You may remember her in 9 ½ Weeks. We shared more than maraschino cherries and jalapenos on the set of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, if you know what I mean.
The Energizer Bunny: I keep going and going and going. Thanks for making me #9. Oops, gotta go!
Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh: I hang out with a manic-depressive donkey, a tigger who’s hopped-up on speed and a bear who doesn’t know how to stay away from bees. I deserve sainthood, not a top-10 ranking on some silly rabbit list. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m busy.
Thumper: I’m 11th? Dad always says, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.” That’s what I think of your Top-10 list.
The Hare from The Tortoise and the Hare: I once held every record in the 5000 Meter Run all the way up to the marathon. Then I took a break. Then another. Then another. Got so bad that even turtles started passing me. So, I’m glad you thought enough of me to make me #12 on your list. I think there’s a lesson to be learned here.
Liam Neeson (aka “Priest” Vallon of the Dead Rabbits, the Irish American street gang in Martin Scorsese’s Gangs of New York set in 1860s lower Manhattan): I don’t know who you are, World’s Most Famous Rabbits List, but you know darn well who I am. And you know darn well that I appeared in the opening moments of a 2002 movie called Gangs of New York before I was brutally murdered at the hands of William “Bill the Butcher” Cutting, played by Daniel Day-Lewis. It was an epic period drama directed by Martin Scorsese. Don’t play coy with me. I may be a lot of things but I wasn’t born yesterday. And I’m not about to stand here and let you exclude me and the Dead Rabbits from your lily white list. You think the Dead Rabbits are a peculiar name, do ya? Well, you wouldn’t be such a big shot if you were alive back then, would ya? You have no idea what we were up against. The Know-Nothing Party. Military Conscription, unless you had $300 to get out of it. Money. That’s what it’s going to take, is it? Well, I don’t have $300 on me right now. What I do have is a set of skills. Skills that I have mastered over a lengthy career playing tough guys. If you put us on the list, there’ll be no more objections. You are free to go and live your life as you see fit. But if you don’t put us on the list, I will look for you, and I will find you. And when I find you I will make your life a living hell. You will never make another list about rabbits. You will never pet another rabbit. And I will tell rabbits to rise up and hunt you down until you are reduced to nothing more than the sniveling coward that you already are. You have 24 seconds to change your story.
Update: The “World’s Most Famous Rabbits List” takes responsible writing very seriously. Even so, an oversight is possible. We don’t know how it happened, but we accidentally excluded Liam Neeson and the Dead Rabbits from our initial list. Because Mr. Neeson contacted us and politely steered us in the right direction, he and the Dead Rabbits move into first place and everyone else falls down a notch. Sorry, Easter Bunny.