It’s us against nobody else in the world. We are in a seat that smells like leather because it is leather, cradled inside cherry red steel with chrome bumpers and running boards. On the dashboard sits Saint Anthony and the grass skirt girl. We are in the memory-making business and business is good. We race…
He was here. He made an impact on this world. He was a common, everyday man with a few bucks in his pocket. That’s what people told him. Count your blessings. Thank God for the man you turned out to be. You matter. And people are lucky for having known you. The little things. A…
Not all junk mail is bad. If he hadn’t taken the time to open last week’s batch of circulars and special offers, he would have never received the news. News that he was now a full-fledged member of the Adventure Club of North America for Outdoor Enthusiasts. Here’s how: somewhere along the line, someone found…
I think John Wayne and the pilgrims get along for the first couple of days. “I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do, pilgrim,” I can imagine John Wayne saying. “Have you seen my hat, pilgrim?” “Are you gonna finish that biscuit, pilgrim?” “Hey pilgrim, pull my finger!” At first, the pilgrims bite their tongues and…
“Hello boys and girls. I must say, I feel honored to be standing up here in front of you today. To think, the Benjamin Franklin 5th grade Career Day! It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in your seats. Does anyone know what a drover is?” I pan a sea of blank faces and…
M: Hello, elated? E: Is that you melancholy? M: Yeah, it’s me. E: How you hanging in there good buddy? M: I’m melancholy. How do you think I’m hanging in there? E: Right. Well cheer up because it’s a glorious and beautiful day! M: I suppose. Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you on winning…
Police responded to a disturbance last Tuesday at approximately 6:55 PM in the parking lot at Arby’s on James Street. An elderly woman named Miss Othmar, who played the teacher in the Charlie Brown TV specials, was taken into custody and later released on $25,000 bail. Surveillance video of the entire incident was secured and…
In 1986 the Beastie Boys told us we’ve got to fight for our right to party. Fast forward twenty-six years. I was a grown man in my 40s. My daughter was about to celebrate the sacrament of Confirmation at St. Stanislaus Church. I wanted to throw a party for her. That meant I had to…
I had the pleasure of sitting down with an anteater a few weeks ago and boy did he want to get some things off his chest. He was in the midst of a hunger strike, day 44. His demands: 1. He wants more stuffed animals, if any, created in his likeness. 2. He wants more…
i make words go vroom. 