We’ve heard about him for years. Teachers warned us to stay away from him. Now he’s starring in what critics say could be the blockbuster hit of the summer. In the tradition of Honey, I Shrunk The Kids! and Honey, I Blew Up The Kid! comes a new comedy called Honey, I Misplaced My Participle!…
People for the Ethical Treatment of Words (PETW) is making news again. The group, which was founded about a week ago by Gertrude Salinger, released a list of endangered words and is asking the country to rally behind them in order to avoid, or at least delay, extinction. The word house is drawing the most…
Dear Gabby, I usually don’t reach out to advice columnists but something bogus happened to me last week. I was speeding on I-90 (I can’t drive 55!) when The Police pulled me over. You see, the sun was casting a glare on my windshield – making it hard for me to see. I thought if…
Sasha Slovic, the boy wonder who chugged his way to victory at the 1968 US Milk Drinking Championship, is hanging up his cup at the end of the season. “After 45 years of drinking milk I feel like it is time to move on with my life,” said a weary but fit Slovic from his…
To best understand the rules of shoveling snow with an older brother, go to your parents garage. Pick out the newest, widest shovel. Then forget that it even exists. It belongs to your older brother. He called it when you were fighting with Dad over having to shovel snow. You have to use the old,…
You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. Jack London (1876-1916) I bet after London died more than a few dreamers took his words to heart. No gold rushes in sight, they made their livings on the seas and great lakes. In mid-western ports they loaded and unloaded raw…
If you like Christmas the way I do, you do not want to miss these holiday movies: The Midnight Mass of Paul Revere, starring Harrison Ford as Paul Revere, originally aired in 1978. The story of a patriot’s ride from church to church to warn parishioners that “Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming,” and they…
A landscaper in northeast Ohio was relieved of his duties yesterday after management discovered that he had dressed like a clown during business hours. The employee, Earl, was taking part in the Kocic Landscaping Inaugural Halloween Costume Day at the time. Kocic Landscaping, in an effort to boost company morale, allowed employees this year to…
His words don’t taste like donuts. They don’t smell like soap. And I wouldn’t brush my teeth with them if I were you. His words don’t hang on walls like photographs or paintings. They are not murals, although I think they paint a picture about life. Whose life – his I guess. Who is he,…
In light of one employee’s recent attempt to lighten the mood around here, Management wishes to remind you that under no circumstances is an employee of ABC, Inc. permitted to: 1. possess an original thought 2. smile 3. cause others to smile Thank you. Now get back to work! Joseph Schmo, Manager ABC, Inc.
Clarifying Shampoo and Concentrated Orange Juice could not be more different. One is always reminding you that she washes hair; the other always looks like he has something on his mind. One day they ended up next to each other in the grocery cart. “Hi, I’m shampoo! HELLOOOO?! I said, I’m shampoo.” “I heard you,”…
Dear Committee, I would like to nominate a friend for your Lifetime Achievement Award. I feel this person exemplifies what it means to be a special human. Lajos Virost, my friend, is 57 years old. A little young for a lifetime achievement award, but old enough if you ask me. If he knew I was…
i make words go vroom. 