“So you see officer, the customer told me he was looking for a fast running shoe. I said, ‘that’s strange, a fast running shoe just came in this morning. I laced it up and put it over there with the rest of the shoes on the wall. Then I left the other one in the box and put it on the shelf in back. When I came out to the sales floor again, I noticed that the shoe I had just put on display was missing, and all of the other shoes that were around it were smoldering and smelling of rocket fuel. Bits of paper from our display racks were flying around like confetti on New Year’s Eve. A trail of smoke stretched from the front of the store all the way to Victoria’s Secret at the other end of the mall. Eyewitnesses weren’t able to get a good look at it, but at least one person recalls seeing a white object the size of a human foot being launched into orbit with an intense flash of light.’ ”

“That certainly is a fast shoe. Is the other one still in back?”

“Yes, but it managed to get out of the box and climb to the top of the stockroom. It threatens to jump every time I get near. Here’s a list of its demands.”

“1 purple shoe lace, new insole, anti-pronating heel counter….are you making this up?”

“Yes officer, I’m afraid I am.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been around shoes my whole life. And you know what officer? It really stinks sometimes.”

“You know why that guy’s pressing charges. You insulted his intelligence and you knocked him down.”

“He tripped over a box of Pumas. Hey that reminds me! Why couldn’t the shoe speak after visiting the pet store?”

“I don’t believe this. He’s cracking jokes?”

“Because a cat got his tongue. Get it?”

“Yeah that’s funny. You’re under arrest.”

“What do you call a dog that wears sneakers and is afraid of ghosts?

“You have the right to remain silent.”

“No silly! The correct answer is Shoe-bee Doo, but nice try!”

“Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. And watch your mouth about Scooby-Doo. I love that dog!”

“Frankly, officer, I’m getting tired of your shoe-nanigans!”

“You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?”

“I believe it was Shakespeare who said that shoes are the windows to your soles. Officer, you look like you could use an employee discount at this or any of our fine athletic shoe stores across the USA.”

“If you’re trying to bribe me, forget it.”

“What would you say if I told you I have pictures of you?”

“You have pictures of me?”

“No I just wanted to know what you would say.”

“I would say you’re going away for a long, long time.”

“You don’t have to be such a heel!”

“Something tells me you’ll have no problem finding a new “sole” mate in jail.”

“Good one, officer! Good one!”

 

Illustrated by Joyce Sajovie