(Las Vegas) Santa Claus has won the 1984 Lifetime Achievement Award. He beat out countless others, living and deceased, like Mother Teresa, Gandhi, and that guy from the Coke commercial who wanted to teach the world to sing.
Santa thanked everyone who made this award possible. His elves for making toys. Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (“I hope I’m not forgetting anyone!”) for flying him around. Plus all the kids for liking toys in the first place. And of course Mrs. Claus. “Without her and our strong belief in immortality, I would’ve died in Turkey 17 centuries ago! Not to mention, she’s one hell of a cook! Would you believe I used to wear a 29?”
It was a gala evening that included a celebrity roast from Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.
Special appearances by Stretch Armstrong and Raggedy Ann made the night even more memorable. Fighting back tears, Armstrong said “Before Santa I was just a bucket of rubber and goo. He saw something in me that others didn’t. I love that man like a father, after all he brought me into this world!”
Raggedy Ann, seen for the first time in years without her brother Andy, nearly lost an eye running up to the stage to hug Santa. “I’m so glad Santa’s not a sellout like everyone else these days. He never gave up on me when little girls started asking for Cabbage Patch dolls last year. He taught me that you’re never too old to be shoved in a bag and given to someone at Christmas.”
Sadly, the ceremony took place on the evening of December 5th. A night when kids put out shoes and go to bed early in anticipation of “St. Nick” leaving something behind the next morning. After Santa and someone who looked nothing like Mrs. Claus stumbled out of Palace Station at 4 AM, reporters cornered him and asked if he had forgotten what day it was.
“I haven’t forgotten what day it is…have you forgotten what – what…wait, what’d you (aksed) me again? Hey, what are you looking at? Can’t a man drink in peace around here?”
Santa swung at one of the reporters and fell over some garbage cans. The woman ran off. A good samaritan helped him to his feet and took him to a restaurant across the street for coffee. His lip was bleeding but he was in no danger of blowing his cover because everyone around him was either dressed like Elvis or Santa. He started crying when he realized he missed his annual St. Nick’s run. “This after they just gave me that damn award! They’ll take Christmas from me yet! Oh Mrs. Claus what have I done?”
Suddenly, Frank Sinatra walked in. His eyes fell upon Santa. He went up to him and said, “Hey I know you.” Santa looked at Sinatra and said, “I know you, too.” Then they sang “My Way” and everyone in the place stopped what they were doing and sang along.
After they finished, Santa and Sinatra sat down. Santa asked Sinatra if he had any regrets.
“Regrets? I’ve had a few.”
Santa told Sinatra he had done some bad things.
“Everyone’s done something stupid. But seeing you here Santa, I feel like a little boy in Hoboken again. You make me feel so young!”
Santa told Sinatra about the woman he picked up, how she had long red hair and fishnet stockings. How he’d hurt Mrs. Claus.
“The lady is a tramp.”
“Mrs. Claus?”
“No, idiot, the other woman. But that’s life. Sometimes you meet strangers in the night.”
“But things like that are not supposed to happen to people like me.”
“Santa, I get a kick out of you.”
“But I’m not a kid anymore, Frank.”
“Yeah but you’re young at heart.”
“I gotta go, Frank. Damage control awaits me.”
“Can you fly me to the moon?”
“I’m not going that far. I can take your autograph, maybe some albums but that’s all.”
“All of me, why not take all of me?”
“Frank, it’s been real but I gotta go.”
“Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”
“Thanks, Frank. You too.”
Santa left the restaurant and went back to the hotel. He needed to tell Mrs. Claus about the mess he made. He was about to tell her when suddenly the alarm next to the bed went off. Groggy-eyed, he reached for his glasses. Something felt strange. What was he doing in bed and why was he wearing pajamas?
“What’s today, Mrs. Claus?”
“Why it’s January 5th, Mr. Claus. You of all people should know what day it is. You get your Lifetime Achievement Award in Vegas tonight. It’s all you’ve been talking about for weeks!”
“You mean…we’re still at the North Pole?”
“Of course! Have you been drinking again, Mr. Claus?”
“No, Mrs. Claus, I don’t believe I have. Mrs. Claus?”
“Yes?”
“We still have 30 minutes before the elves serve breakfast.”
“What are you saying, Mr. Claus?”
“I’m saying I’d like to – What I mean is –“
“Oh, out with it Mr. Claus!”
“I’ve got you under my skin.”
“Oh, MR. CLAUS!”
i make words go vroom. 