As I Lay Thinking


Outside the wind howls. Snow falls sideways. Houses wail like wounded dogs. My city is a snow globe under siege. Luckily, I’m inside wrapped in 48 blankets. A man-made cocoon, warm as a bagel. Thoughts dance like Gregory Hines in my head:

The band, Simple Minds, on why it won’t be taking the ACT this year: It’s complicated.

People who ride stationary bikes all day are going nowhere with their lives.

If everyone was a caricature, what would their photograph look like?

When you sit down for breakfast in the morning, it’s like eating food for the first time that day.

If Popeye knows that eating spinach makes him strong, why doesn’t he just eat it before going out?

I’m glad Rocky called his wife Adrian instead of Mama. Yo, Adrian just sounds nicer.

Speedy Gonzales on why he did not ask Pepe Le Pew to join his relay team: “He stinks.”

I don’t think anyone should open up a combination soup and barber shop.

If there are people who are small enough to fit inside pockets, and they have cell phones, pocket-dialing would take on an entirely different meaning.

Remember that country singer who sang “Take This Job and Shove it?” What if that job was already looking for a fight? And now you went ahead and started it. Thanks a lot, country singer!

I think Third Eye Blind only sees what fans are saying 66 2/3% of the time.

I sent in a manuscript that someone used for target practice. It was rejected because there were too many holes in my story.

When people are caught acting stupid, they look dumb-founded.

A photograph taken into police custody cries, “I was framed! I was framed!”

I don’t know him, but something tells me Greg Arious is a nice guy.

Outside the wind howls. Snow falls sideways. I think this heat is getting to me.

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