How Seamus Turned His Life Around


Seamus was 31 years old when he stole his first Big Boy statue. Drove it 180 miles south and dumped it in a river. It was big and heavy but no match for his pickup. He chained it down nice and good and took off around 3 in the morning. If anyone had seen him, they would’ve been too groggy-eyed to think something was up.

He was 37 when he stole his 2nd Big Boy statue. This time he dragged it across the street and left it in front of Taco Bell. Then he climbed up on the roof of Taco Bell and stole their bell. He took this back across the street, climbed up onto Big Boy’s roof and hung it there. Then he hid in some bushes to watch the reactions of both sets of workers. They weren’t happy. And his incessant giggling inside the bushes gave him away. He got 6 days and community service.

He was 44 when he decided that stealing statues from fast food restaurants, no matter how fun that might sound, is a waste of time. He went legit and now he speaks at schools about the perils of petty crime. Students look at him with glazed eyes. He doesn’t think he can save 50% of them.


Illustration by Keely Sajovie

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