Professor Hinkle, the less than magnificent magician who was ordered by Santa Claus to give his hat to Frosty the Snowman, has filed a lawsuit for the amount of $45,000. And he wants his hat back so he can make a living. Hinkle’s attorneys issued a statement indicating that this amount is fair and would cover what he would have brought in had he been allowed to keep his hat. Hinkle’s 1099 from 1969 showed that he had earned $514 from part-time gigs at school auditoriums, birthday parties and First Communions. His legal team “rounded up” to account for inflation and the humiliation their client has endured on national TV at every Christmas.

When asked about the lawsuit, Frosty says he just melts every time he thinks of what would happen to him if he is forced to relinquish the hat. Karen, now 53 and living with Santa at the North Pole, watches over Frosty and takes care of him because he is not able to get around so easily anymore.

“Frosty suffers from an itchy scalp, so at least three times a day I have to remove the hat so his head can breathe,” said Karen. “I hate seeing him with that vacant stare on his face when the hat is off. I can only imagine what our lives would be like without it. I also have the creepy feeling that Hinkle’s been watching us all these years!”

Hinkle, now 90, works as a greeter at Walmart to supplement his social security. He claims that Santa did not hold up to his end of the bargain. “That night I went home and wrote I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty 100 zillion times just like Santa asked. I was busy, busy, busy! And now I’m angry, angry, angry! For when I woke up on that Christmas morning there were no trick cards or magic balls. Hell, there wasn’t even a new hat! Just some generic candy and an off-brand slinky that looked like it came from a dollar store!”

Frosty’s supporters feel that Professor Hinkle never grew up and is still jealous of the snowman’s fame. Fact is, he was never a good magician to begin with. They also fault him for not seeing that the “magic” of the hat does not work on someone who does not believe.

“Phooey!” said Hinkle. “I remember how smug Frosty was, always parading through town with all the children. Oh, and what’s with all the ‘Happy Birthday’ crap every time the hat goes on? To this day, I can’t stand birthdays! And if I hear him say it one more time I’m going to take a blow torch to him!”

For now, Hinkle’s attorneys are hoping for a jury with no kids. They also intend to use the defendants’ checkered past, a past that includes breaking and entering into Countryland Nursery so Karen can stay warm and child endangerment for letting a minor trek all the way to the North Pole wearing only a thin coat, non-insulated mittens and flimsy ear muffs.

Frosty, who has spent a lifetime playing in the snow, intends to represent himself because he cannot afford legal fees. He is hoping that his friend Hocus may have a few more tricks up his sleeve. The rabbit may have enough evidence to suggest that Professor Hinkle violated the terms of Santa’s agreement. “Hinkle,” Hocus explained, “did write that he was sorry for what he did to Frosty 100 zillion times when he went home that night. But no one seems to remember the story in the local papers the following week about the primary school being burglarized, and all the pens and paper disappearing. All Santa has to do is check the watermark on the paper that Hinkle sent in. I think he might find it very interesting.”

Hocus then said that this is the last favor he is doing for Frosty the Snowman. “I’m getting too old for this crap!”